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Martha Stewart reveals how to throw a punk rock party

on January 07, 2016, 6:00pm

If you feel as though the vital spirit of punk rock music seems a little lifeless at the moment, you’d be right. CBGB’s, once the iconic New York music venue, has died a million deaths since 2006, and is now a restaurant serving up $14 burgers to the hungry travelers of New Jersey’s Newark Airport. Here’s another sign of the times: Martha Stewart is giving the world tips on how to throw a punk party.

Sure, the TV personality/master cook has done legit hard time for fraud (apparently her prison name was “M. Diddy”!?), but she hardly looks like someone who’d know much of anything about the genre and the subculture/community on which it thrives. But, hey, that hasn’t stopped her from weighing in!

According to her handy little guide, pulling together a punk-themed shindig for kids is as easy as pie. She points out a few so-called key ideas behind the punk aesthetic (“freedom, self-expression, DIY creativity”), but then reduces them all to nothing more than plaid, studded accessories, skulls, and that one song by The Clash that most everyone knows.

Here are a few highlights, along with added commentary from yours truly:

On decorations: 

“Help your guests get into the groove with a spunky scheme. Line the walls with posters of punk idols like Blondie, The Ramones, The Clash, and Patti Smith. String up punk-inspired garlands (think plaid fabric, safety pins, and shiny gold and brass materials).” [::eye roll::] 

On activities: 

“Ready to really pump up the volume? Bring out your inner rock star by dressing the part. Set up a booth for your kids to get creative. You’ll need a wild and crazy ‘do (think mohawks, spiky strands, and colorful wash-out dye) and a set of colorful, kid-friendly tattoos. (Don’t worry, Mom! They’re just temporary.)

Next, have fun in punk-ifying your crafts! You can string together a matchbox guitar, make this studded jewelry, or, in the fall, decorate a “punk-in” with nails, studs, and safety pins!” [::eyes rolled so far back, I look possessed::]

On the food: 

“A full-on ‘nosh pit’ is just what this punk party calls for. Offer a plate of Spinach Ricotta Skulls (a classically punk motif) alongside a bowl of Spinach, Bacon, and Onion Dip (for ‘noshing’).” [“Noshing”? I’m officially done.]