13. Paulie Pennino
Film(s): Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Rocky Balboa
Talk about riding the coattails of another man’s success. Paulie let Rock into the meat-packing plant a few times, and suddenly he thinks he’s Rocky’s bestie, his consigliere. Paulie, with his fisherman’s hat, beer belly, and verbal pugilism that makes the plain-spoken Rocky sound positively, uh, articulate-like, was a loser. A lame-o. A Philly-stine. He practically abused his sister Adrian and forced her to date ol’ Rock. Paulie instigated and provoked absolutely every one of Rock’s opponents. Paulie was ungrateful that one time Rocky was nice enough to get a helper robot for Paulie on his birthday. He pissed about snow in Russia and moaned about arthritis when he was getting up there in Rocky Balboa. He ruined a turkey dinner in part one. He took swings in resentment at Rocky in chapter three. We learn in V his bad investments cost Rocky everything he won over the years. And who the hell knows how much cigar ash Paulie left all over the place in those 30-odd years of claiming to be Rocky’s buddy?
Paulie Pennino: The true bum of the Rocky franchise.
Parting Wisdom: Never let your in-laws be a part of the process.