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Should you go out tonight? Consult The Smiths flow chart!

on March 28, 2014, 2:00pm

If you read enough of Morrissey’s open letters and interviews, you’re bound to discover countless pearls of wisdom, including everything from the conspiracy surrounding Thanksgiving to why carnivores are awful and even how The Beatles are totally overrated. But how about some more practical life advice, something you can use in your day-to-day routine? For that, you’ll have to put down the letter straight blasting the Royal Family and check out The Smiths Flow Chart. Or just talk to a youth pastor or an elderly neighbor, I don’t know.

Organized by Trouble Morrissey (via Vanyaland), the chart makes use of classic Smiths lyrics, including lines from “Ask”, “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”, “How Soon Is Now?”, and “Panic”, among others, to answer life’s eternal question: “Do you want to go out tonight?” Maybe it’s me, but the chart is doubly effective (and hilarious) if you pretend you’re talking directly to Morrissey, who peers from behind his paper in his favorite chair to sing the various answers back. (To help visualize, picture him dressed like the dad from Leave It To Beaver.) Of course, imagining that bit helps if you’ve been slamming cough syrup over the last few days as I have.

Follow the chart below. Without spoiling anything, though, the odds of a night ending in cold beers and dirty dancing are about the same as Morrissey joining the cast of Duck Dynasty. Or becoming Prime Minister of Norway.


Give your decision-making process a soundtrack by checking out a few of the corresponding songs.