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Future Music Headlines

on October 05, 2012, 4:40pm

future headlines Future Music Headlines

Scientists and historians might have disproved the whole Mayan calendar prophecy with the recent Leap Year Conundrum, but I’m not so convinced. Since the dawn of this October, it seems like the music industry has been pumping out nothing but crazy people news, storming about with headlines that sound stripped from the most cretinous drudges of fan fiction. If you told me a week ago that Godspeed! You Black Emperor would have a new album out, or that The Replacements would be releasing anything, or that Coachella would be that obsessed with The Smiths to go all out vegetarian, I would have paid for my Slurpee and left you in the candy aisle.

But those are all truths now — truths in a society that seems so false. We’re not really complaining, though. It’s sort of like what Wynona Judd once said, “It’s about living and loving and trying to find purpose in this crazy world.” So, with that in mind, we started drumming up potential headlines over the next few weeks. We’re not sure any of these have a likelihood at happening, but hey, we also didn’t think we’d have the opportunity to use Rolling Stones-patented skis on our next trip to Vail.

-Michael Roffman
President/Editor-in-Chief

Mike Love kicks himself out of The Beach Boys

-Alex Young

Blur break up, reform in time it took to write this

-Chris Coplan

Jim Morrison found on Portland ranch; hates The Cult

-Michael Roffman

A Converse shoe announces its debut album

-Jeremy D. Larson

Chris Martin “just can’t get into Breaking Bad”

-Michael Zonenashvili

Louis C.K. announces two-night residency at a Kansas City Applebees, cites intimacy

-Michael Roffman

Yanni to livestream unreleased rarities and B-sides collection

-Ryan Bray

The Mars Volta cover Blues Traveler’s Four in its entirety on upcoming tour

-Jeremy D. Larson

Julian Casablancas arrested for shoplifting at Sunglass Hut

-Michael Roffman

Dexter Holland finally completes that Ph.D he’s been working on

-Dan Pfleegor

Lollapalooza Antarctica announced; Coldplay, Ice T and Ice Cube to headline

-Ben Kaye

Harvey Fierstein cast as leading role in The Ugliest Duckling, a Swans jukebox musical

-Jeremy D. Larson

Buy Scott Stapp’s kidney

-Chris Coplan

Axl Rose cancels Jimmy Kimmel Live! appearance, unhappy with the show’s new time slot

-Michael Roffman

Edward Droste removes [other guy from Grizzly Bear’s] appendix at a Super 8 outside of Nashville

-Jeremy D. Larson

Surviving Beatles reunite with Pete Best for one last tour

-Dan Pfleegor

“Before this, I only knew her as the girl from those Progressive Insurance ads” — David Byrne on working with Annie Clark

-Jeremy D. Larson

“Before this, I only knew him as the guy who had that song that came with Windows XP.” — Annie Clark on working with David Byrne

-Jeremy D. Larson

Rappers Ghostface Killah and Bruce Banner team with Boa singer Steve Rodgers and Thor’s Jon Mikl Thor to form super-group The New Avengers

-Ben Kaye

Gene Simmons mouths off on Hall of Fame nominees, remains ignorant on krautrock: “Since when did they start nominating cheese products?”

-Michael Roffman

Amanda Palmer buys $1.2 million dollar yacht. Christens it PunchFinisher

-Ben Kaye

deadmau5 collaborates with Ryan Adams

(Oh, wait. It already happened!)

-Alex Young

Lady Gaga tweets photo of rare pogs collection, denies collaboration with Kendrick Lamar

-Michael Roffman

“Ok, I’ll admit it: that was my member on the cover of the new Death Grips album” -Mitt Romney

– Chris Coplan